(female announcer) PREVIOUSLY ON THE UNITED STATES OF TARA...
SO WHAT'S THE DEAL, T? WHY ARE YOU HERE INSTEAD OF MOM?
REMEMBER THOSE KILL PILLS I HELPED YOU GET
AT THE FREE CLINIC?
YOUR MOM FOUND THE EVIDENCE, AND SHE'S TWEAKING.
(Tara) IT'S A PRESCRIPTION FOR MORNING AFTER PILLS.
YOU KNOW THAT BAD SURPRISES ARE A TRIGGER FOR HER.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I GUESS I SHOULD'VE LET THAT FERTILIZED EGG
IMPLANT ITSELF IN MY UTERUS.
KATE!
I DID NOT RAISE YOU TO LET BOYS
WHO WEAR PIGTAILS PUSH YOU AROUND.
THESE ARE SAMURAI KNOTS. MOM!
THIS IS YOUR WIFE'S BODY.
JUST 'CAUSE I'M NOT HER,
DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T HOOK UP.
OKAY, WE MADE OUT A LITTLE BIT.
I CAN'T HELP IT--WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
THEY'RE REALLY LUCKY.
WE'RE LUCKY, MOM.
I MEAN, BECAUSE OF YOU,
WE GET TO BE INTERESTING.
(Charmaine) IT IS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO SEE MY SISTER LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL DISEASE, MAX.
IT'S REAL, CHARMI.
SO YOUR MOM ACTUALLY GOES AROUND
ACTING LIKE SHE'S A TEENAGER?
SHE'S NOT ALWAYS T.
[Southern accent] IF YOU EVER TOUCH KATIE AGAIN,
I WILL RIP OFF YOUR BALLS AND SHOVE THEM DOWN--
OW, MRS. GRAYSON. STOP IT!
I CAN'T EVEN HIT YOU BACK!
WHAT'S THIS MRS. GRAYSON BULLSHIT?
I AM BUCK, AND I WILL FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS.
WAIT--YOU'RE WHO?
OH! COME ON.
[contemplative music]
* *
* OPEN UP THE SKY *
* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH *
* IT'S WINDY, AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *
* *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE *
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *
* *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE *
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *
* *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE *
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE *
* THE RIDE *
I JUST REALLY RESENT PICKING UP AFTER THEM.
(Tara) I MEAN, NOT THE KIDS.
THE ALTERS.
THE MESSES THEY MAKE CAN BE...
[scoffs]
ASTOUNDING.
I MEAN, HAVING MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES IS LIKE...
HOSTING A KEGGER IN YOUR BRAIN.
ONLY YOU'RE PASSED OUT COLD, WHILE EVERYONE ELSE
IS JUST TRASHING THE JOINT.
[sighs] THIS FAMILY MEETING IS CALLED TO ORDER.
I LIKE TO CALL THEM SUMMITS.
SOUNDS MORE GLOBAL, ALMOST SWISS.
OKAY, SO, UH, FRIDAY AFTERNOON,
I BELIEVE T WAS IN HERE, RIGHT?
[snorts]
THAT WAS DEFINITELY T-TIME.
IN WHICH CASE, WE NEED TO TALK
ABOUT SOME MYSTERIOUS CHARGES ON MY CREDIT CARD.
HM.
WHAT?
OR I COULD LOOK UP THE STATEMENT
AND SEE WHAT T AND HER "FRIEND"
SPENT MY MONEY ON.
[sighs] OKAY, SO I GOT SOME SKANK SHIRTS
AT THAT DEAD MALL IN GRANDVIEW.
BUT I DIDN'T TAKE OFF THE TAGS,
SO I'LL RETURN THEM, OKAY?
AND I GOT A KNOCK-OFF CHINESE GUCCI ASS-PACK.
AND SOME CIGARETTES.
WHICH I DID NOT SMOKE BECAUSE T GETS MENTHOLS,
AND I THINK THOSE MAKE YOUR LUNGS BLEED.
AND I ALSO THINK THEY'RE RACIST.
WOW.
I NEED MY OWN MONEY.
OKAY, SO THEN I CAME BACK,
AND THEN I WAS BUCK.
THEN I KICKED SOME ASS.
(Max) OH, YEAH...
WELL, TECHNICALLY BUTT-KICKED SOME ASS.
GREAT.
I HELPED.
HIGH FIVE.
OKAY, THAT'S REALLY GOOD, WE CAN DISCUSS THIS AS A FAMILY.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WEIRD.
IT'S WEIRD.
[sighs]
SO I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS WENT BOWLING WITHOUT ME.
AH, WE ONLY WENT THERE 'CAUSE BUCK HAS A THING
FOR THAT HILLBILLY WAITRESS AT THE SNACK BAR.
HE WON HER A STUFFED TAZ AT THE ARCADE GAME.
THEN SHE LICKED HIS FACE.
UGH.
LOOK, WE KNEW WHEN YOU WENT OFF THE MEDS,
THE WHOLE GANG WOULD RESURFACE.
YEAH, MULTIPLE PERSONALITY REUNION TOUR.
YEAH, THEY'RE LIKE GENESIS, MAN.
WE ALWAYS KNEW THAT STAGE WOULD COME BACK.
ANYWAY, I CAN'T--WE CAN'T BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU NEED THEM,
UNLESS WE LET THEM SHOW THEMSELVES.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
LOOK AT YOUR POOR EYE.
AT LEAST IT'S NOT ALL PURPLE ANYMORE.
IT'S KIND OF A FUNKY '70s YELLOW NOW.
OW.
THAT HURT! OOH, SORRY.
YOU'RE LAUGHING!
MM.
[knocks]
[soft classical music plays]
WHAT'S THIS? PANDORA'S BOX.
G.W. PABST. 1929.
IT'S A MASTERPIECE.
I COULD SCREEN IT IN THE LIVING ROOM THIS WEEKEND.
SOUNDS GREAT.
WE COULD SUBJECT THE WHOLE FAMILY.
LOUISE BROOKES IS ABOUT TO BE MURDERED.
HER SEXUAL INDISCRETIONS
WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED.
HONEY?
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TELL ME?
DID HE CALL?
DID WHO CALL ME?
HE DIDN'T? WHO?
I'M GOING TO BE UP-FRONT WITH YOU.
I'VE BEEN HAVING SOME DIFFERENCES OF OPINION
WITH MY ENGLISH TEACHER.
ALL RIGHT, SO CAN ANYONE TELL ME THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF ETHAN'S WALKING STICK IN THIS CHAPTER?
YEAH, MADISON.
UM...
I THINK THAT ETHAN NEEDS SOMETHING TO LEAN ON.
AH...
[chuckles] ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT.
YEAH.
ACTUALLY, IT'S BLATANTLY EROTIC.
THE WALKING STICK REPRESENTS ETHAN'S ERECTION.
[snickering]
THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE, MARSHALL.
[more snickering]
EXCUSE ME, MR. GERSHENOFF.
I'M NOT AN EXPERT OR ANYTHING,
BUT I THINK I KNOW MY LITERARY BONERS.
[laughter]
SHH.
WELL, DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO HIM?
I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO.
NO, I CAN HANDLE IT.
THE LAST THING YOU NEED IS TO WORRY
ABOUT MY STUPID SCHOOL STUFF.
(Kate) FUCK ME.
[groans]
GOD DAMN IT.
PIECE OF SHIT.
NICE. FUCK!
UGH!
MOM, THIS BOOT HAS COME FROM HELL.
JUST CAME FROM THE TOWN OF HELL
TO MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE.
THANK YOU.
JEEZ.
HEY, SO I WAS THINKING ABOUT
HOW YOU TOOK CARE OF STUFF.
WITH THAT PRESCRIPTION, WHEN I WASN'T AROUND.
AND THAT I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU.
BUT WHAT?
LIKE WHY DIDN'T I USE A CONDOM OR SOMETHING?
ACTUALLY, I THINK I KNOW WHY PEOPLE
DON'T ALWAYS USE CONDOMS.
SEX CAN BE BIZARRE WHEN YOU FIRST START DOING IT.
I MEAN...NAKED PEOPLE,
WEIRD BODY PARTS-- IT'S AWKWARD AS HELL.
AND NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO ACT.
SO I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW I'VE BEEN THERE.
AND WE CAN TALK.
OKAY, THANKS.
[sighs]
[playing music on iPod]
THERE'S JUST--THERE'S A LOT OF MISINFORMATION
FLOATING AROUND, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, FOR INSTANCE, ANAL SEX IS SEX.
SEE? I JUST SAID, "ANAL SEX."
I'M PRETTY COOL.
WHAT?
IT'S NOTHING, MOM.
IT'S JUST SOMETIMES, YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE
I'M LIVING IN SOME SORT OF LIFETIME LADY TAMPON MOVIE.
WHAT'S A LIFETIME LADY TAMPON MOVIE? FORGET IT, MAX.
CONVERSATION'S OVER.
DAD, I HATE IT WHEN SHE JUST SWOOPS IN HERE,
AND ACTS LIKE WE CAN JUST TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.
OH, WELL.
SHE'S YOUR MOTHER, AND SHE CARES,
SO YOU GOT TO LOVE HER.
YOU HAVE TO, MAYBE.
YOU MARRIED HER. AND YOU CHOSE THAT.
BUT FOR ME, IT'S JUST DRAMA AND WEIRDNESS.
SO.
BYE.
OOH...
ONE DAY SHE'LL GROW UP AND BE A PERSON,
I PROMISE.
SHE'LL GROW UP, SHE'LL HAVE KIDS OF HER OWN,
AND BE YOUR ADULT DAUGHTER.
NOT THIS EVIL FUCKING BRATZ DOLL.
I JUST HOPE WE'RE NOT...
HEY, THERE'S NOT A KID IN THE WORLD
THAT WANTS TO TALK TO THEIR MOTHER ABOUT SEX.
SHE'S FINE.
FROM YOUR LIPS.
AND TOMORROW, I'M GOING TO TALK
TO MARSHY'S TEACHER.
WE'RE GOING TO GET THAT STRAIGHTENED OUT AS WELL.
WHY, I THOUGHT HE DIDN'T WANT US TO--
UM, MOM... YOU SEE...
THE THING IS...
MR. GERSHENOFF IS KIND OF A BEAR.
AND PEOPLE ARE
STILL TALKING ABOUT-- HEY, WE JUST THOUGHT A MAN-TO-MAN THING
MIGHT BE THE WAY TO PLAY THIS GUY.
BUT IF YOU WANT TO COME, WE'LL GO TOGETHER.
YEAH, I MEAN IF YOU WANT TO GO. YEAH, YEAH.
NO, NO, YOU GUYS ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
IT'S EXACTLY THE RIGHT WAY TO PLAY IT.
WHY DO YOU CARE IF MARSHALL DOESN'T WANT YOU
TO TALK TO HIS TEACHERS?
IT'S LIKE THEY DON'T EVEN WANT ME AROUND
WHEN I'M ME. OH, PLEASE.
IT'S ALL YOU.
PLUS, HE WET THE BED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? LIKE HE PEED THE BED?
LIKE, BABY GOO-GOO-GA-GA?
OR WET THE BED, LIKE A BIG BOY.
HE URINATED IN BED, CHARMAINE.
HE USED TO DO IT ALL THE TIME WHEN HE WAS A KID,
BUT HE HASN'T DONE IT SINCE HE WAS, LIKE, 11.
AND KATE...
I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE'S BECOMING.
[sighs]
MAYBE THE KIDS ARE RESPONDING TO TRAUMA.
WHAT TRAUMA?
YOU KNOW, YOUR SCHIZOPHRENIA...
SITUATION.
[scoffs] OKAY, LET ME EXPLAIN.
AGAIN.
SCHIZOPHRENIA IS WHEN YOU HEAR VOICES,
LIKE THE RADIO PEOPLE.
I DON'T HAVE THAT. I DON'T HEAR VOICES.
RIGHT, YOU DO THE WHOLE CHARACTER.
I WANT TO GET SOMETHING FOR KATE.
MAYBE I SHOULD GET HER ONE OF THOSE.
SHE CAN WEAR IT WHILE HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX.
SPICE THINGS UP A BIT.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?
IT BETTER NOT BE VITAMINS.
NO, THESE ARE NOT JUST VITAMINS.
OKAY, THIS IS A PRODUCT I HAPPEN TO BELIEVE IN.
OTHERWISE, I WOULDN'T BE A LEVEL TWO SALES REP.
THIS IS VITA-SELF'S MOOD-BOOSTER REMIX.
OKAY, IT'S A LITTLE DRINK YOU DO
ONCE IN THE MORNING, TWICE IN THE EVENING,
WITH LIKE A SALTWATER FLUSH.
YOU KNOW.
SOUNDS GREAT.
BUT I'D JUST RATHER NOT...
FLUSH.
SORRY.
BUY SOME, AND HELP ME OUT A LITTLE.
HELP OUT YOUR COLON.
HEY, LET'S GO TO MACAW ISLAND THIS WEEKEND.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
COME ON, MAN, THE BEACH BOYS ARE PLAYING
WITHOUT ANY OF THE ACTUAL BEACH BOYS.
IF I WANT TO WITNESS A SAD DECLINE,
I'LL JUST TAKE A LOOK AT MY OWN LIFE.
THANK YOU.
IT'S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE WE DID ANY INTENSE MANLY STUFF.
YOU KNOW?
ALL WE DO NOW IS SHOVEL DIRT
AND NURSE TREES AND SHIT.
WE'RE LANDSCAPERS, ASSHOLE.
YEAH, WE 'SCAPE THE LAND,
BUT I MEAN, WE CAN'T LET THAT DEFINE US.
I MEAN, LOOK--WE USED TO WORK THE LAND IN OUR 20s,
BUT MAN, WE DID IT DRUNK.
JUST GO TO MACAW ISLAND,
AND SPEND SOME MONEY.
GET SOME OF THOSE LITTLE, YOU KNOW, BAYOU BREEZER DRINKS.
MAYBE. THAT SOUNDS GOOD, ACTUALLY.
YOU GOING TO DO ANY WORK HERE, OR WHAT?
I'M MESMERIZED BY YOUR ASS.
THESE ARE BORING.
THESE'LL LOOK ALL RIGHT ON YOU.
HEY, TARA.
HI. OH, HI!
OH, WOW.
SO YOU'RE-- YOU'RE OUT AND ABOUT, HUH?
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD. YEAH, GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU GUYS?
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU.
OH, MY GOD. I COMPLETELY FORGOT.
I WAS GOING TO MAKE A CAKE FOR THE BAKE SALE.
I'M SORRY.
FOR THE CLEFT PALATE KIDS IN BRAZIL.
NO, NOT THAT.
I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY COUNT ON IT.
I MEAN, YOU JUST HAVE SO MUCH ON YOUR PLATE,
WHAT WITH THAT BROUHAHA WITH KATIE'S BOYFRIEND.
HE'S NOT HER BOYFRIEND.
HOOKUP. WHATEVER.
ALL RIGHT, THAT BENJAMIN IS AN ABUSIVE LITTLE SHIT,
WHO DISRESPECTS YOUNG LADIES, WHILE WEARING EYELINER.
WE GOTTA GO.
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, TARA.
GET SOME REST, TARA.
JESUS, TARA, YOU JUST STAND THERE AND TAKE IT.
YEAH, I KNOW-- I CAN'T--
I MEAN, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE TEN AGAIN.
OKAY, OKAY, O--
TARA?
[light, airy voice] WHAT A MARVELOUS SHADE.
OH, FUCK.
DON'T LET GERSHENOFF INTIMIDATE YOU.
I MEAN, THE MAN HAS A B.A. FROM A STATE SCHOOL.
I GUESS.
BESIDES, LIKE, WHAT CAN HE DO?
LIKE, RUN CRYING TO PRINCIPAL FRANKEL
JUST BECAUSE YOU POINTED OUT SOME SEX IN A NOVEL?
UGH, I CAN'T STAND THESE CONSERVATIVE BED WETTERS.
WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING.
I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN, PETULA.
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE.
YEAH.
HEY, I GOT TO HIT THAT PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE,
SO KEEP AN EYE OUT ON THINGS WHILE I'M GONE, OKAY?
HEY, WHAT IF ONE OF THESE GUYS
ASKS ME A QUESTION, MAN?
I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH.
[car door closes]
WHAT IF THE, UH-- WHAT IF THE OWNERS COME HOME?
OR WHAT IF I START DOING A BUNCH OF EXTRA WORK
THAT ISN'T IN YOUR BID?
AH, YOU WERE GOING TO DO A BUNCH OF EXTRA WORK?
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M--I'M LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.
OKAY?
I THINK IT'S UNFAIR YOU GOT TO DO ALL THE WORK.
CAN'T TARA DO SOME OF IT?
LATER.
GOD, YOU'RE SO CODEPENDENT.
[car starts]
IT'S CALLED LOVE, BRO.
CALLED LOVE. YEAH, OKAY.
IT'S NOT BAD.
[sighs]
IT'S WHO YOU ARE, MAXWELL.
THANK JESUS TOO, MAN, I'M ALWAYS LATE.
USUALLY STONED.
[dainty music]
* *
I KNOW, I WAS REALLY IMPRESSED.
HELLO, LAURIE, BETH. I'M ALICE.
RIGHT, ALICE.
I BROUGHT MY CAKE.
WOW.
THAT IS...ELABORATE.
I'M SURE YOU'LL FIGURE OUT WHERE TO PUT IT.
YOU COULD MOVE WHATEVER THAT IS.
WELL, I'M SORRY IF MARSHALL FEELS THAT WAY.
IT'S CERTAINLY NOT PERSONAL ON MY END.
THERE'S A CURRICULUM THAT I HAVE TO FOLLOW.
WE'RE--WE'RE NOT IN VERMONT.
YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
YEAH.
I-I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU...
HAVE AN ODD FAMILY SITUATION, MR. GREGSON.
BUT IN MY CLASSROOM, THAT MAKES MARSHALL
NEITHER MORE INTERESTING, NOR MORE SUPERIOR.
ALTHOUGH HE SEEMS TO THINK IT DOES.
(Max) WELL, WE'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO AGREE TO DISAGREE,
BECAUSE TO ME, THAT SOUNDS PRETTY FUCKING PERSONAL.
KNOCK, KNOCK.
ROOM FOR ONE MORE?
UM... [clears throat]
UM, I'M OKAY.
I GOT THIS COVERED.
WELL, I WON'T BE BUT A MINUTE.
I CAME BY TO DROP OFF SOME TREATS FOR THE BAKE SALE,
AND FIGURED WHILE I WAS HERE,
I'D POP IN AND MEET MY BOY'S TEACHER.
MR. GERSHENOFF, IT IS SUCH A PLEASURE.
THANK YOU.
[giggles]
WE'RE SO VERY WORRIED ABOUT OUR MARSHALL.
SHOULD WE BE CONCERNED?
UH, MARSHALL'S A UNIQUE CHALLENGE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHALLENGES?
I'M SORRY?
OH, MR. GERSHENOFF, I FEEL SO FORMAL.
MAY I CALL YOU BY YOUR FIRST NAME?
WHAT IS YOUR FIRST NAME?
OREL.
MR. GERSHENOFF, WE ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT.
BEING DIFFERENT.
AND YOU, OUT OF ANYONE, MUST UNDERSTAND.
POOR LITTLE OREL GERSHENOFF,
SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS,
WITH HIS FUNNY HAIR, AND HIS FUNNY NAME,
DAYDREAMING ABOUT SPORTS HE'D NEVER PLAY,
AND GIRLS HE'D NEVER TOUCH,
YOU KNOW, PANDERING TO THE FOOTBALL CAPTAINS
AND PROM QUEENS OF TODAY
WON'T TAKE AWAY THE PAIN OF YESTERDAY.
THEY CAN'T APPRECIATE YOU NOW
ANY MORE THAN THEY DID BACK THEN.
AND TAKING IT OUT ON THE WEIRD KID....
WON'T HELP THAT WEIRD KID
IN THERE.
IT'S TIME TO START LOVING OREL.
I NEVER MEANT TO SINGLE MARSHALL OUT.
[clears throat] UM...
I--I'VE ASSIGNED SOME EXTRA CREDIT.
SO IF HE COMPLETES IT,
HE CAN KEEP HIS AVERAGE UP.
SUCH A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, OREL.
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.
[laughing] OH, MY GOD.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE. OH, PIFFLE.
IT WAS AMAZING. "OH, NO YOU DIDN'T, ALICE."
IT WAS A TOUR DE FORCE.
OH, THE FRENCH LANGUAGE IS SO EXPRESSIVE.
DON'T YOU THINK, KATE?
CAN I HAVE WINE WITH MY MEAL?
NO.
WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU A QUESTION,
IT'S CUSTOMARY TO LIFT YOUR GAZE
TO MEET THEIRS, AND RESPOND IN KIND.
WHEN'S MOM COMING BACK?
OH, TARA'S NOT EQUIPPED TO MANAGE THIS FAMILY
AT THE MOMENT.
NOW WE'VE ALL COME TO A CONSENSUS,
AND I THINK YOU NEED ME RIGHT NOW. [scoffs]
THAT'S ENOUGH WITH YOUR GADGET. [phone ringing]
YOU CAN COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND LATER.
UH, JUST ONE GLASS? NO.
OH, FOR GOODNESS. [laughing]
ALICE, I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND ANYMORE,
BECAUSE MY MOM TURNED INTO A MAN,
CAME TO SCHOOL,
AND GIMP-SLAPPED HIM, [Max sighs]
WHILE EVERYONE I'VE EVER MET WATCHED.
WELL, HE HAD BAD GENES.
YOUR CHILDREN WOULD'VE BEEN UGLY AND STUPID.
(Max) WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
JUST NEED SOME AIR.
MM. THE FEAST IS HERE.
CHICKEN, PLEASE.
(waitress) HERE YOU ARE. THANK YOU.
BE BACK IN A MOMENT, SWEETHEART.
[door opening]
WHAT IS IT?
JUST HAVING A WEIRD DAY.
WELL, SNAP YOURSELF OUT OF IT.
WE'RE HERE TO HAVE A NICE DINNER.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A NICE DINNER.
KATE, I KNOW YOU AREN'T FOND OF ME.
BUT I'M CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR DEVELOPMENT
AS A YOUNG WOMAN.
YOU'RE PROMISCUOUS.
YOU AREN'T GUARDING YOUR FLOWER.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, ALICE?
I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT EVEN THOUGH I DEEPLY DISAPPROVE
OF THE WAY YOU CARRY YOURSELF,
YOUR MOTHER LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.
YEAH?
YES.
SHE WANTS YOU TO KNOW SHE DIDN'T MEAN TO OVERREACT
ABOUT THOSE PILLS YOU BROUGHT HOME.
SHE JUST DOESN'T WANT YOU BEING...
INTIMATE, AT YOUR AGE.
BECAUSE SHE HAD YOU AT 19,
AND THAT WAS QUITE A HARDSHIP.
I'M NOT A HARDSHIP.
I'M AWESOME.
YOU'RE A GRACELESS INGRATE.
[scoffs]
YOU MEAN A SLUT?
A GIRL WHO LIKES BOYS?
WHO LETS BOYS KNOW SHE LIKES THEM?
A GIRL WHO ORGASMS?
AND MOANS, AND MOANS, AND SCREAMS IN ECSTASY?
A GIRL WHO SUCKS AND FUCKS?
A GIRL WITH ABSOLUTELY NO BACK-DOOR SHYNESS.
THAT'S IT.
I'M GOING TO WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP.
[laughing]
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
TRY ME.
[muffled screams]
WHAT I'M SAYING ABOUT-- [muffled screams]
HEY!
ARE YOU INSANE?
WHAT THE FUCK?
DAD! [sighs]
YOU OKAY?
[sigh]
[crying]
KATE?
THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.
OH, GOD, I WANT OUT.
HOW?
ARE YOU HIRING?
ALWAYS.
I'D LIKE TO FILL OUT AN APPLICATION.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK HERE?
I LIVE TO SERVE PEOPLE.
[knocking]
I FOUND A COFFEE STIRRER,
IF YOU NEED A LITTLE WALKING STICK.
COOL, THANKS.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TUCK YOU IN?
UM...
I'M 14, ALICE. I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.
I KNOW YOU TEE-TEED IN YOUR BED.
YOU KNOW, LACK OF CONTROL IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
LOTS OF DEBONAIR MEN THROUGHOUT HISTORY
HAVE HAD THEIR PECCADILLOES.
FOR INSTANCE, CARY GRANT LIKED TO WEAR WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I MEAN, I HAVEN'T HAD AN ACCIDENT IN YEARS.
IT'S WEIRD. OH!
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, SWEETIE.
NO.
YOU KNOW SOMEDAY,
IF EVERYTHING GOES THE WAY I'M HOPING,
I'LL BE HERE ALL THE TIME.
WON'T THAT BE FUN?
[knocking]
KNOCKING.
DON'T COME IN.
COME ON, GIVE ME TWO MINUTES.
THREE MINUTES, TOPS.
WHAT IS THAT, WAX?
90 SECONDS.
OKAY. I'M SORRY ABOUT ALICE.
WASHING YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP,
I MEAN, THAT'S CRAZY.
IT'S KIND OF FUNNY THOUGH, RIGHT?
IT'S ABOUT AS FUNNY AS AN IRREGULAR MOLE.
YEAH.
MARSH TOLD ME ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
AND IT'S UNFAIR. I'M SORRY, HONEY.
[breathes heavily]
[sniffles]
WHAT'S THAT?
REMEMBER ALL THOSE PHOTOS YOU USED TO KEEP IN A SHOEBOX?
ALICE ORGANIZED THEM ALL EARLIER TODAY,
AND MADE EVERYBODY A PHOTO ALBUM.
ALICE MADE THIS?
MM-HM.
[sighs]
OH, MY GOD. "HELLO,
"I JUST CRAPPED MY PANTS."
[laughs]
LOOK AT MOM.
YEAH, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH.
[clears throat]
OKAY, TIME'S UP.
OKAY, YOU WANT ME TO HANG ON TO THAT FOR YOU?
NO, I THINK I'LL JUST KIND OF...
HANG ON TO IT FOR A SECOND.
OKAY.
[sports on television]
AH.
I MADE YOU A MARVELOUS LUNCH FOR TOMORROW.
IT'S IN THE ICEBOX.
THANKS.
WHERE ARE THE KIDS NOW?
WELL, KATE'S ON THE COMPUTER.
PROBABLY LOOKING AT THAT HOT TOPIC PORNOGRAPHY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU ALLOW IT.
IT'S HARDLY MY PLACE TO SAY.
AND MARSHALL'S WORKING ON HIS WINTER OF DISCONTENT PROJECT.
THAT WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE BOOKS AT RADCLIFFE.
YOU DIDN'T GO TO RADCLIFFE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS JUST GOING TO PRESS THESE OLD DUNGAREES.
UH, DON'T PUT CREASES IN MY JEANS.
OKAY?
WHY DID YOU FEEL THE NEED
TO SANITIZE MY KID'S MOUTH, ANYWAY?
SHE WAS USING SOME VERY UNBECOMING LANGUAGE.
WELL, SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN OUTSPOKEN,
THAT'S WHY WE LOVE HER.
SO MAYBE FROM NOW ON,
LET ME DOLE OUT THE PUNISHMENT, OKAY?
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU ARE.
[poignant music]
* *
[groans]
[clears throat]
MM.
[sighs]
[moaning sigh]
[sighs]
COME ON.
DON'T YOU WANT TO MAKE A BABY?
NO.
AND NEITHER DOES TARA, SHE'S GOT AN I.U.D.
THOSE THINGS ARE KNOWN TO FAIL, YOU KNOW.
THEY'RE AN UNNATURAL DEVICE.
SATAN'S TREE.
HEY.
SO THAT'S THAT THEN.
THAT'S THAT THEN.
YOU'RE ABANDONING ME.
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING TELLS ME
YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
WHAT?
NOTHING.
JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.
Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com
[Chairlift's Garbage]
* *
* ALL THE GARBAGE *
* THAT YOU HAVE THROWN AWAY *
* IS WAITING SOMEWHERE *
* A MILLION MILES AWAY *
* YOUR CONDOMS AND YOUR VCR *
* YOUR ZIPLOC BAGS IN YOUR FATHER'S CAR *
* DARK AND SILENT *
* IT WAITS FOR YOU AHEAD *
* *